


i am sick and i need to sleep

by iswearimtrying



Category: Original Work
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Prose Poem, Self-Destruction, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-19
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-04-25 04:42:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14371146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iswearimtrying/pseuds/iswearimtrying
Summary: i have only myself to blame, my own self destructive behaviour and inability to sleep in my own bed





	i am sick and i need to sleep

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this a couple of years ago expecting to feel different in the future and though i am better these feelings still come up

i want to sleep next to you i want to bleed cut off all my hair i want to sleep with you

i want to lose it with you please just let me sleep over 

tell me you love me tell me you love me tell me to cum make me cum please i’m sorry 

i’m so sorry i’m just so high i don’t want to be here 

please o god help me help me just hold me sleep with me

please validate my worth 

you don’t need to be in love with me just tell me i’m pretty

tell me i’m pretty in your room at 6 am

kneeling between your thighs hands around your cock

and god i’m not even turned on but the sound of your breathing 

getting faster makes me so happy

because it’s me that’s making you feel this way it’s me it’s me it’s me 

and this is how i measure me self-worth

the number of guys i make cum

subtracted by calories i ate

fuck 

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck me please please i need this i need you please

let me stay the night i’ll be good for i’ll be so good so good just please

don’t leave me alone i die every time you leave me

i don’t even love you but i want to make you cum

fuck fuck fuck i don’t i don’t i don’t sleep i need to sleep 

i need you all i need is you i can’t sleep i need to sleep  
please i can’t do this anymore please 

o god i can make you cum i can make you cum i’ll be good for you

i need this please i need this

i can’t i can’t i can’t sleep sleep i won’t without you i need you please

what the fuck is wrong with me

i don’t want to be alone at night and if i have to have sex with a guy to sleep 

with their arms around me so be it

i crave i need human contact affection validation of my worth 

i need to be touched to know that i’m real

and if i have to give a oral for some guy to want to put his hands on me so be it

if i have to give him all of myself for that one night’s good sleep so be it

i will sleep with anyone i’m up for anything as long as i can sleep in their bed 

leave the nightmares my own bed brings

i’m so disgusting but maybe to them 

i’m talented sexy something anything 

i can make them cum 

i want i need someone to be there next to me when i sleep to hold me in their arms 

but they expect more than that and i know i have more to offer than embraces 

so blow job at 6 am it is

and i’ll do a quickie in the basement of a frat house 

if it means i’ll go home with them tonite

and sleep sleep 

and bruises from fucking and hickies that almost mean love 

and the cold morning air on the walk home 

i don’t like or want sex but if i have to put out i will

i’m a mess but i’m still useable to them still fuckable

forgive me please

i have sinned against you o god and my body my body my body 

imagine yourself as a baby every time you want 

to make another opening in your skin

think of that innocent soft unmarked flesh

would you hurt a harmless child why are you hurting yourself 

but goddamn i would put that poor child out of her misery if i had the chance

 that baby that thing will grow up to be me and i am so disgusting sometimes 

imagine your body as a child they said

i would kill that whore in an instant

kill myself to keep from becoming me

because even though i was just a child

i must have asked for it or something

to make them hate me hit me rape me

scratch that i was not raped

i 

was 

 not 

raped 

not me no no no no no no i was not raped.

but o god would it make a difference

i swear  ~~i’m a virgin~~  but i feel worse than 

mami who knew what pain was at 1 2 3

i was not raped but i can’t ever know can i

can’t remember before age 4

shut up shut up 

no one cares

just go to sleep

i can’t even look in the mirror

i’m not her i was not raped i go to church

what they hell is wrong with me 

i must have done something to make them hate me 

which is why i’m better off dead

which is not true but it feels nice saying it


End file.
